Faux-da
by chicpea
Summary: A post DEA Coda of the series, inspired by Suki59's Weekly One-Shot Challenge. Just for fun. Alternate endings for many characters. M for language.


Well, it has been a while. With Suki59's permission (because her submission is just a riot), I couldn't resist taking a stab at this Weekly One-Shot Challenge...

**Write us a coda.**

To keep up with these weekly prompts, paste after fanfiction dot net: /topic/55534/12658168/23/Weekly-One-Shot-Challenge 

I would just like to say that this is meant to be light-hearted fun, even if it is a _weensy_ bit snarky in places. Charlaine Harris has my love and affection for crafting such an intriguing and compelling world... I'm just going to run off with these characters for another page and make them do different things.

This is un-beta'd, so I'm sorry for any typos.

* * *

**=== C ===**

Desmond** Cataliades** finally made good on his promise to educate Sookie about her telepathy, allowing her to hone and refine her powers long after the vampire blood was out of her system. He also filled her in a little bit on some more fairy history, including lots of stories about his adventures with Fintan.

Because the supernatural population had condensed in Shreveport, he eventually resigned himself to follow the work and moved there too. He regrets leaving the many restaurants behind in the Big Easy, but is invited to Sookie's house for dinner every once in a while.

He is still practicing law on behalf of supernatural creatures, and remains an expert on Demon, Vampire, Fairy, and Human law. He has been instrumental in drafting important legislation for the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs, and receives a substantial income for similar consulting work for the government.

He has still not told Barry Horriwitz of their familial relation. He insists that this is for Barry's own safety.

Diantha** Cataliades** became an internet sensation when a video of her grooving to drum and bass music with inhuman speed and grace surfaced on YouTube. She briefly dated human DJ Stefan Gordy, but their sexual incompatibility resulted in a quick parting of ways. The DJ went on to develop a complex about his virility and masculinity, which was gradually healed through his music. In these ways, Diantha was almost singularly responsible for the global popularity of dubstep.

In her later years, supernatural authorities came to regard her as the chief suspect in a serial arson investigation. She mainly targets retail clothing stores, such as Vineyard Vines and Abercrombie & Fitch.

Bill** Compton** continued to live in Bon Temps. He had a brief but passionate affair with Karin the Slaughterer, Eric's vampire child. While they were both well aware of the fact that she was surrogate for Sookie in both looks and association, she served him well as a cool body on many hot Louisiana nights while she remained in the area.

Bill enrolled for an additional term at Centenary College, Shreveport. He eventually learned the difference between a database and a computer program.

Bolstered by his success, and encouraged by a late-night infomercial, Bill enrolled in a further program which promised to turn him into a video game designer inside of 18 months. Although he did not graduate, the graphics design courses he took enabled him to streamline the appearance of the Vampire Directory interface so that it no longer looked like a Halloween website hosted on Angelfire circa 1996. He finally created a mobile version of the database to coincide with the release of the iPhone 5. In a joint and lucrative venture with Apple, the phone was marketed to emerging market of modernizing vampires as the iPhone V. He and Bubba currently share a family plan with unlimited talk, text, and data.

The death of his great great great great granddaughter, Caroline Compton Bellefleur, affected Bill deeply. After she died, he kidnapped and turned her younger brothers in a mistaken attempt to preserve his family from future hardship. After their vampire adolescence, the undead tweens were cast in a remake of The Shining, followed by a male-adapted version of The Parent Trap. Bill acted as their manager. Just before her retirement, Portia Bellefleur succeeded in suing Bill for the total value of the twins' assets, nearly 17M USD.

Andy Bellefleur died without ever forgiving Bill, although Halleigh continued to send a bottle of Royalty every Christmas along with a card that she signed from them both.

* * *

**=== D ===**

Felipe **De Castro** remained king for just six more months. He was killed by Red Rita, then the regent of Arkansas, following an altercation that seemed to involve the king's consort, Angie Weatherspoon, and an heirloom coffee table.

Red Rita dissolved Felipe's short-lived empire, crowning herself Queen of Arkansas and Louisiana and leaving Nevada to both the literal and proverbial wolves. She has had moderate success billing the natural hot springs in Arkansas as a vacation destination for vampires.

Nevada remains a disputed territory between both human and supernatural groups, and individual interests therein. No vampire king or queen has held the throne for more than 16 months since Felipe's death.

Tara **du Rone**'s marriage to JB did not last. She commiserated extensively with Sookie throughout the divorce, and her best friend was able to comfort her without once being caught rolling her eyes.

The marriage-weary woman did _not_ open a successful bridal shop.

She did manage to raise two good kids, mostly on her own. Thankfully, they were well-behaved, and never had to receive a hypocritical talking-to about straightening their lives out. The children also never learned of their mother's sordid history with sugar-daddy vampires and their sadistic associates.

* * *

**=== E ===**

Immanual **Earnest** won the Creative Arts Emmy for Outstanding Hairstyling in a Miniseries or Movie for his work on "The Terrible Fire." After that, he became something of a celebrity stylist, appearing on several reality shows and in numerous magazine columns.

Immanual uses his place in the public eye to advocate for cancer research. He, and his salon, are tremendous supporters of Locks Of Love and related charities. They offer free haircuts by L.A.'s top stylists to anyone willing to donate their hair to be made into wigs for people undergoing chemotherapy. The back room of the uber-trendy _Night Cuts_ is covered with photographs of the people he and his team have helped. The only framed portrait he keeps in his office is of his sister, Miriam.

Several tabloids report that he is romantically linked to Michael Urie (of Ugly Betty fame).

Immanual has as little to do with vampires as possible.

Russell **Edgington** discovered a way to write off a significant portion of the expenses associated with his Jackson, Mississippi mansion by establishing it as a halfway house for homeless but attractive gay male teenagers.

* * *

**=== F ===**

Octavia **Fant** became a transdimensional mediator for the Britlingens. The hefty finder's fees she received for doing this work enabled her to rebuild her New Orleans home. Unfortunately, she was one of the few in her neighborhood that could afford to do so. She never married Louis, but the two of them lived together for just shy of twenty years before he died of natural causes.

Octavia lived to be 103, and remained sharp as a tack 'til the end. She died in the bathroom after a slip and fall resulted in hitting her head against the side of the pedestal sink. Amelia was the one to discover her, and made sure her mentor was dressed with dignity before the coroner arrived.

* * *

**=== H ===**

Alcide **Herveaux** suffered through a couple of failed relationships with women in his pack, fathering two full-blood Were sons in the process. He eventually married the niece of the Jackson Packmaster, a move that forged a political ally for the Longtooth Pack, and helped Herveaux to reestablish his business within Mississippi. It took Alcide and his bride a long time to become a happy couple. The biggest point of contention between them was the tremendous amount of child support and maintenance he was obliged to pay to the mothers of his previous children.

It was not until his wife threatened to leave and take his third child (and only daughter) back to Jackson that he managed to snap to and become a more considerate husband – and a more considerate man in general. When the mother of one of his sons died in a territory dispute with neighboring Monroe, it was Alcide's wife who encouraged him to welcome his child into their home.

Alcide remained Packmaster for 30 years, and was contested only once. At nearly 60, he competed but failed to defend the title. He hadn't expected to win, but could not bring himself to yield without a fight.

Alcide called on Sookie to serve the function of Pack Shaman once or twice over the years, but only for matters of grave importance. He was smart enough to never again suggest the aid of psychedelic drugs when she was performing this task. His pack remained fearful of her power and her judgments all on their own.

* * *

**=== M ===**

Sam **Merlotte** broke off his relationship with Sookie just eight short weeks after it had begun. He'd waited a long time to get his chance with her, but this wasn't it. She wasn't over Eric, and he wasn't going to be substitute for the vampire. Although Sookie begged him to give her another chance, Sam was firm. She needed to deal with her previous relationship before they could move forward.

Sam resolved to give her as much time as she needed, but it was hard for him to see her day in and day out, and to fight the urge to touch her tenderly or wrap her in his arms. There were moments when they forgot themselves. She needed comfort and he was willing to give it to her, but that was a bad habit. After four months of this, he resolved to take some time off – to visit his mother in Wright, to clear his head, and to make some decisions.

He was gone less than 24 hours when Red Rita took over the state, but nobody called to tell him about it. While away, he resolved again to wait for Sookie, hard as it would be. He didn't even know if they _could_ work out, but he knew it was worth finding out. He certainly hadn't achieved any good trying to ignore the pull he felt for her over the years.

Sookie turned up at his trailer only a few minutes after he arrived home. She informed him that she was due in Little Rock within a week, and wouldn't be coming back. She had the papers for her part ownership of the bar signed back over to him. He instantly lashed out, demanding to know why she couldn't get over the vampires. She never got a chance to explain what had happened.

Sam had a rough time of it. It wasn't until Bill came in for a drink one night that Sam learned the truth – that Sookie had been given no choice about leaving. He was furious with Bill (and Pam, and Karin, and Eric, and basically all vampires) for failing to realize that Sookie's safety was only assured so long as Felipe, or an equally sympathetic vampire remained king. (**See also Sookie Stackhouse**)

* * *

**=== N ===**

Eric** Northman** settled in to life in Oklahoma with dutiful resignation. When Freyda learned of Felipe's death, she was delighted to be free of all the agreements she had made with him in exchange for his help securing Eric, most notably that she would never attempt to invade Nevada.

Freyda sent Eric to lead the advance team, something which caused him to very testily reply, "But my Queen, surely you did not go to all that trouble just to waste my life on this," to which she replied, "No, I did not, so you had better be successful." He was.

Unfortunately, her reign did not last long. A brutal battle ensued as one of the kings of California seized for power. While Freyda had the advantage of numbers, she did not yet command the loyalty of the vampires she had inherited in Nevada. The fighting eventually bled out of the upper offices and onto the casino floor and then outside as the Nevada vamps attempted to flee from the onslaught. Fiori di Liberi, the King of Sacramento's second in command, gave Eric the chance to yield, just as Eric had once done for Akiro on the night they killed Victor Madden. A sword never hit the ground faster when Eric surrendered. There was a beat of silence before the crowd on the Strip erupted in applause, mistaking the very real battle of the vampires for another of Las Vegas's spectacular live events. The new king received a hefty fine for failing to obtain a permit for display, and several offers to take their show on the road.

Eric received invitations to join several kingdoms, and only a few were politely rescinded once they realized that Eric no longer came with a tasty fairy telepath on his heels. Eventually he negotiated a return to Arkansas-and-Louisiana, and the Fire Marshal was called every night for a month as Fangtasia filled to capacity with fans celebrating the return of Mr. January. Eric resumed glutting himself on fangbanger blood in a subdued kind of way, until one day Sam showed up at the bar. "For fuck's sake Northman," he declared, "You've been back for weeks. Go and get Sookie."

"But I can't, Red Rita is Queen, and I cannot defy her."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. How many more times do you need to drown before you bother learning how to swim. Jesus fucking Christ. I can't believe that she's in love with you."

"She's still in love with me?"

Even Pam had to roll her eyes, although she turned away so her maker would not see.

In the weeks that followed, the three of them began to hatch a careful plan. Finally they were ready for their initial reconnaissance mission, and Eric attended Pam to a meeting of the Sheriffs in Little Rock. There was Sookie, dressed in a really fetching Dior suit, dutifully standing just behind the Ginger Queen. She didn't appear to be under duress. Eric totally ignored her, not wishing to give the game away, but wondered all the while how they could possibly wrest her from Red Rita's clutches.

That night, Sookie snuck in to Eric and Pam's quarters. They were surprised to see her, but before anyone could say anything, Sookie produced a special golden ritual knife and stabbed Eric with it. Then she lapped up his blood. Then she handed him the knife.

"Wait, give it back," she demanded.

Dumbfounded, he did.

"Okay great, thanks. You saw that, right Pam?"

The well-dressed vampessa nodded minutely.

"Super. Okay then we're married again. Tomorrow night you take me home."

"Sookie, that will not work."

"Of course it will. Vampires may be ruthless murderers, but they can totally be stymied by the exchanging of a letter opener in front of a single witness. You taught me that, Eric, and I can never thank you enough. Now I've gotta go pack, and you should probably go explain yourself to the Queen."

She winked at Pam as she left the room. In the privacy of her own mind, Pam gave the performance a 9.5.

Eric, Pam, and Sookie returned to Shreveport the following night. Red Rita wasn't happy about it, but no vampire would ever betray the sanctity of vampire-marriage. At her direction, Eric took Sookie to Tara du Rone's house. She said he would hear from her soon.

Sookie didn't call Eric for six weeks, and then she showed up to Fangtasia, ordering the swooning fangbangers to back up off her husband. Eric was pretty turned on by this display. They had sex in his office, and then Sookie left again.

Eventually, Eric opened a fencing studio in Shreveport. One of his pupils went on to win the bronze medal for Individual Epee in the 2036 Olympic games. (**See also Sookie Stackhouse**)

* * *

**=== P ===**

Preston **Pardloe** missed having sex with humans after the portals were closed for good, but made the best of the situation. His fairy lovers particularly appreciated his penchant for role-play. (This time, you be the injured vampire, and I'll be the unsuspecting werewolf!) He eventually sired sixteen full-blooded fairy children from ten different mothers.

Preston had hoped that Niall would reward his valiant efforts to save Faery's flagging population by granting his great-granddaughter's hand in marriage, but Niall refused this request. Preston was not of the Royal Lines, and the only manwhores he approved of for Sookie were ones that were also the ancient enemies of their species.

Preston eventually got over his ire at the Prince and went back to having sometimes-anonymous sex with any and all willing participants, for a highly subjective value of "willing."

Lorinda **Prescott** continued to face staggering electric bills for her holiday displays, and eventually knocked down about half an acre of trees in her back yard to install solar sheeting. She adorned it with light-up ice skaters, and fake snow mounds, making them look as though they were gliding across a reflective pond. Her display was photographed for Southern Home magazine, and she became a champion for Green Energy.

Ms. Prescott successfully lobbied for the installation of windmills and solar panels throughout Renard Parish. Her biggest success came when the local lumber mill began installing solar panels in the land they stripped. This was a major public relations coup in an industry frequently targeted by environmentalists. The company thanked her by naming a line of extra soft toilet tissue after her. Lorinda Soft is now available nationwide at Whole Foods Markets and Trader Joe's.

Her light displays have only gotten larger and more elaborate. Many people drive from miles away to tour her Christmas Village during the holiday season.

* * *

**=== Q ===**

Frannie **Quinn** joined an outlaw motorcycle gang in Nashville, and has ridden with them ever since. She used her contacts in the supe world – or rather, her brother's contacts through her work with EEE – to run a smuggling ring of drugs and other contraband. She does not touch the stuff herself.

Shortly after her initiation into the gang, her mother was found dead. She has always suspected her fellow bikers, but is reluctant to admit this to her brother.

John **Quinn** was forced back into pit-fighting at some point to save either Frannie or his momma. He gained notoriety among humans when the vampires began to televise it on pay-per-view. Billed as even more Xtreme than the Octagon and other MMA events, Quinn became a popular star, drawing crowds of admirers and eventually, a Hollywood film deal.

He played a no-nonsense MI5 agent charged with defending the children of the British Prime Minister. In the role, he balanced managing rambunctious and adorable young children with defending them from international terrorists. The film was a flop at the box office, mostly owing to the PG rating, but it became a cult favorite.

Quinn eventually married his costar in the film, a twenty-two year old woman who had played the teenage daughter. Her acting career continued in obscurity. She even played in a few late-night Skinemax films, until she was "rediscovered" by Quentin Tarrantino. Quinn was also cast in a minor role in the breakout film, taking over a part originally written for the late Samual L. Jackon. It was a hit.

* * *

**=== R ===**

**Rasul** married Indira because they are both brown vampires.

Sheriff Pam **Ravencroft** swore off humans – until she met Gwendolyn Pierce, a scholarship candidate who applied to the Fangtasia Foundation. The foundation was started by Pam as Sheriff to improve the image of her nightclub, and of vampires in general. Gwendolyn, a paraplegic, wrote an outstanding essay comparing the experiences of vampires, for all their super-human talents, to the handicapped, often viewed as sub-human. She managed to highlight a lot of common ground shared between the two groups, as both live among and rely upon 'normal' humans, but are still considered outsiders, and never truly embraced.

Pam invited Gwendolyn to read her essay as the award ceremony, got to talking with her afterward, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Pam waited until Gwendolyn had finished university to bring her over, but the two had decided early on in their relationship that this is what both wanted. It became a question of how.

One night not long after Gwendolyn had received her degree found her at a revival meeting of Christian Evangelicals. She implored the faith healer there to mend her legs. It surprised the hell out of everyone when then she proceeded to stand up, before lunged at him, beginning to feed.

The FotS had a brief resurgence following the bloodbath, but most of the humans present were glamoured by the adoring Pam to forget her new child's indiscretion. The two lived vampily ever after.

* * *

**=== S ===**

Hunter **Savoy** did eventually become an army intelligence officer. He was posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2140, when the government finally declassified his military record, revealing he had single-handedly abolished the practices of electrocution and waterboarding as interrogation tactics.

He married Marcy, another part-fairy who was also abandoned by her supernatural relatives when they withdrew through the Fairy Portals. All three of their children shared their father's gift, and two of them followed his footsteps in military service. The third became an international Grandmaster at Chess, by age 12. He was notable for refusing to ever play against a computerized opponent. He committed suicide at age 32, and is remembered along with Bobby Fischer as one of the game's greatest, and most tragic, personalities.

Remy **Savoy** married that woman that was at the Dairy Queen that one time, and they stayed together. He never addressed his son's telepathy directly, although he did call on Sookie to help out with Hunter, particularly once the boy started middle school.

Adele Hale **Stackhouse** was reunited with both of her children and both of her lovers in the Summerlands, which is just the neo-Pagan word for heaven. It is much more like an actual paradise than an invitation-only picnic.

Nobody was too worried about the awkward family reunion because worrying is a trap of the living, and they were much more concerned with being blissed out souls for the rest of eternity. Mitchel, Fintan, and Adele actually had many more adventures together – in bed. God and Jesus were also there (in the Summerlands, not in the bed), because it's _heaven_, and you get everything you want. What exactly would be the point of believing in an afterlife if you had to pick and choose which one you went to, and which of your loved ones you would see, to the exclusion of others? Jesus, you religious people have some strange ideas sometimes.

Jason **Stackhouse** married the strong-willed Michelle and seemed to forget all about the fact that he was a bitten-were-panther-man. They had three children, one of whom married Hoyt Fortenberry's daughter, and the two bros finally became family for real.

Sookie **Stackhouse** was given three options the night Red Rita came to her door: come willingly, come unwillingly, or flee. Across the cemetery, she could see lights on at the Compton house and assumed that her "protector" was enjoying the benefits of a secret night-bed, leaving her to swing. Eric had left her, and Felipe was dead. She didn't want to be kidnapped again, and she didn't want to just walk out on her entire life. She agreed to Rita's terms, and Rita gave her one month to secure her affairs before she was due in Little Rock.

Because she had come willingly, Sookie received fair treatment in Arkansas. The Queen strongly intimated that she wanted to form a blood bond with Sookie, but because blood bonds can be irrevocably permanent depending on the immediate needs of the plot, Rita hestitated long enough for Sookie to ultimately escape. Despite the creature comforts she was afforded in her position, Sookie felt deeply hypocritical betraying humans to vampires, and did her best to ensure that no one was punished for mere crimes of thought.

Now backed by a more adequate understanding of vampire protocol, Sookie was able to orchestrate her escape quite easily. She had also come to understand Eric far better. She didn't give him time to question, she simply acted. As he says, it is better to ask forgiveness than ask permission.

Returning to Bon Temps, Sookie did two things immediately: She sent Pam a thank-you note for her part in the rescue, and she enrolled at the University of Southern New Hampshire online. It seemed more legit than the University of Phoenix. She then proceeded to pretty much only leave the house to buy groceries and do some gardening/suntanning for the next 3 years (with a few exceptions) while she got a degree; not because she needed one – Niall had pretty much provided that she never needed to work again – but because she wanted one.

After the night she showed up at Fangtasia, Eric tried to see Sookie again on several occasions, but she would not admit him to the house. Although he tried to send other gifts, she returned them with no further reply. This wasn't because she didn't like presents. It was because she wasn't going to be charmed into just forgetting that he had shut her out, humiliated, and then abandoned her. Eric did not make any headway until, remembering how much she liked to read, he sent a gift card to an online bookseller. Sookie kept the gift card and wrote a note telling him that she would use it to buy her textbooks. After that, she received similar cards just before the start of each semester. The door had cracked open again.

Sookie graduated from college at age 31 and began writing for the Bon Temps Bugle. She was careful to not be too good at investigative reporting. She did manage to cover the local news accurately and with a certain folksy charm that invoked her late grandmother's many conversations on the old stool beside the kitchen phone. Some of her articles were occasionally picked up by the Shreveport paper, and the lengthy piece she wrote about refugees 10 years after Katrina was syndicated across the state.

During this time, she also wrote an extensive memoir entitled, "Things I Will Tell the World About Y'all If You Continue To Bother Me," documenting her experiences with the vampires. It was never published – she stored copies in several lockboxes at different banks, and gave one to her lawyer with instructions to open it only if she should ever go missing again.

Letting Sam down was something she had taken care of not long after her return. She felt extremely guilty for attempting to swap him seamlessly in for another lover. He, in turn, felt guilty for taking advantage of her when it was very fucking obvious that's what she was doing. Sam eventually married another shapeshifter. It was only after their first child was born that he filed the papers Sookie had left him so many years ago, revoking her part-ownership of the bar.

And then there was Eric.

With Appius, Freyda, and Felipe dead, Eric had looked to Sookie as his guiding light, but since she wasn't having it, he was forced to learn to make decisions on his own. He still frequently found himself asking, "What would Sookie do?" When Sookie heard that he had opened the fencing studio, she was genuinely happy for him. It was the first thing she could recall that he had done strictly because it made him happy, and she was quietly relieved that his urge to fight was being focused in such an innocuous way. He advertised the studio in the Bon Temps Bugle, despite getting few students from the area.

It wasn't until the next takeover attempt that the two were reunited. Some of those who had failed in Texas decided that Arkansas-and-Louisiana might be a ripe target, and they worked hard to infiltrate the state and made a coordinated strike one January evening.

Learning from his last experience, Eric urged Pam to have her people scatter – but when the invaders could find no other targets in the area, they decided to take out the telepath. Since Sookie's house remained one of the few places where Eric felt safe, that was also where he headed.

Thankfully, Bill was there to witness as Eric wreaked an awesome massacre, ensuring it could be spoken of in vampire circles for years.

Sookie was plumb thankful to Eric for saving her, and embraced him unreservedly, inviting him inside. The two were able to reconcile after that. While they didn't live exactly like husband and wife, they did call each other by those names fondly, and spent several nights a week together.

Sookie was diagnosed with cervical cancer a year later. She had to undergo the additional displeasure of hearing in a lot of people's minds that it was caused by the fact that she hadn't had babies. She wrote to Niall through her rosebushes, but the capricious fairy said that there was nothing he could do besides assure her that they would be together in the Summerlands.

When she finally confided in Eric, he immediately bit her and drained her, crying bloody tears as he did so. She was, as he knew she would be, a glorious vampire. She came so close to killing him when she first rose that he had to order her to stand down. She finally understood the maker's power over his child, and it only made her bitter.

Sookie and Eric continued their tempestuous relationship for several hundred years, with a hot and heavy decade followed by years of contention. Eric let it happen. He could have ordered her to simply accept it when he incited her ire, or ordered her compliance when she got stubborn, but he didn't. When she ran, he always chased. She knew that.

Eric and Sookie died tempting fate as they made love outside during a solar eclipse in February, 2837.


End file.
